EDIT: I had to add this gem from an insurance document. This isn’t taken out of any meaningful context.
               “You will remain insured only until your insurance ends.”
I would love to find out what lawsuit necessitated this addition.

1. “I don’t have money, I’m living paycheck to paycheck, wahhhhh!” and later, “Oooo, look at this purse I bought!”

2. If I go away for any number of days, there is one thing I can count on — nothing related to housework will be done. Dishes that were dirty when I left will still be dirty. And there will be more. And Sachi’s obviously white fur? Yup, still all over the carpet. The laundry pile will just be bigger. With things like damp towels. Living with boys has its downside.

3. “I can’t get my comforter to stay in place in my duvet, so it bunches up in one corner and I get cold!”
“I hate that, too! But you can buy these clips that hold it in place, it only costs like ten dollars.”
Um. SAFETY PINS? They sell 2″ long safety pins that will hold even the thickest of down comforters. And for damned close to free.

4. I watched Nancy Grace for the first time ever, thanks to my roommate.
      Text on screen: “New footage of rehearsal less than 48 hours before sudden death! DOES HE LOOK SICK?”
      And her reply: “He looks extremely thin and extremely pale!” Why.. Why, yes! Yes, he does, Nancy! He has for over ten years now.

5. On the radio, a grilling specialist: “Close the lid so the heat and smoke can go around the meat 365 degrees.”